There's no I in Team?
Planning our friend's hen's party has been quite interesting and I totally underestimated the work that is involved. Thankfully, my friends have taken the responsibility of organising the party and wonderful experience as I'm - admitting this on my blog - not able to properly focus on anyone else other then myself now. It sounds horribly selfish but for the past couple of months, I've been feeling what some might term: a crisis of faith. I'm not talking about the religious aspect but rather going through a period of doubt or questioning parts of my life.
I'm finding it weird that the more I open up to people and gauge their reactions, the more I seem to doubt my decisions throughout the year. Maybe I'm hypersensitive at the moment but I feel like every corner has the doubt monster waiting to jump out and add more bricks to my wall. I made the decision at the end of last year to return to my family and friends after living it up in London with a fantastic bunch of people who were in the same space and there are definitely no regrets in returning home and I'm happy enough to make that statement.
Validation may be the word I'm looking for. Maybe it's not? I've never needed validation to make myself feel good about my work and achievements. I tend to look at my past as pat on the back to what someone can do with obstacles put in ones way and then focusing on a goal and going for it. A 16-year-old girl lasting at Sea Rescue? Never would say the naysayers but 10 years later I'm 1 test and 5 tasks away from becoming the first female rescue coxswain at my station. Of course there has definitely been doubt along the way and there still will be doubt when I get my ticket but over time and through my actions, I'll definitely either prove and hopefully get rid of people's preconceived opinions of me
Which brings me to my 'work'. I'm not the person to aim for that nice little thank you amount, in the form of a bonus but would rather let my work speak for itself. Is this right? Should I be more vocal? Maybe I've got it all wrong this past year because I am doubting everything I've done. "Wait. Have I done this? Of course I did" happens at least once a week. A simple 'good job' is not something I crave for but maybe every few months an acknowledgment would be nice is what creeps up now and again.
It's even odder that there is this need to validation when my life is revolved around as many people as possible, working as a team, being the last person to be noticed to the first person everyone looks to when the shit hits the fan. Is this silent leadership? I don't care what it is really but that lingering feeling of doubt is causing havoc in the Robyn warehouse up top.
Something isn't kosher right now and I'm trying to find the source, which is taking a little longer then I expected. But I'm amazingly blessed and lucky to be surrounded by fantastic friends - who've gone through enough shit to make my rubbish look like a walk in the park - which have taken up my slack in the planning something as trivial as a hen's party.
So here's hoping that my mini-break in a few weeks will shine the light where it's a little foggy right now.
Note: This post is, as it is.
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